Relationships Advice
Understanding Interpersonal Relationships
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Relationships and Control IssuesIn a relationship between two people, the couple should be viewed as equals, with one having no more rights or privileges than the other. That is what we have been taught to believe and embrace, and is what allows us to maintain our individuality and uniqueness as people. When watching TV, he does not care to watch soap operas and she does not care to watch pro football games. That does not mean there is a problem or even a speed bump in the relationship, that is simply exercising their own unique tastes, likes, and dislikes. But sometimes this can get out of control. Say he wants to go out with the guys for an evening of bowling or poker, and she makes a big deal out of it. First let's look at the reason this is a big deal to her. Is it because she needs some help with some project around the house which he will not be able to do now, where OF COURSE she mentioned this to him earlier because they have great communications skills? Or is it because he gets to out and do something fun with the guys while she sits at home? It works the other way too. Say that she wants to go to a basket party or a candle party with the girls but he makes a big deal over it. Why is this a big deal? She has done the laundry, cleaned the house, made dinner, picked up the kids from school, and done the dishes. Again, like the scenario above, is it a jealousy thing because he does not have guys to go out with that night, or perhaps he does not want to be relegated to babysitting the kids, which he thinks is beneath him and clearly a non-macho role? There may be valid reasons why one partner objects to the other partner's going out in the examples above, but one of the unfortunate reasons that is becoming more pronounced in today's society is that the reason is as simple as one word: control. The one partner wants to have control over the other partner in terms of when they go somewhere, who they go with, and how long they will be gone. And it really is as simple as control, because studies have shown that in a surprising majority of cases of this situation, if the partner who planned to go out had relented and stayed home, there would have been almost no interaction between them anyway. No productive "together time", no heart to heart talks, not even watching the same TV program in the same room. It is merely a matter of CONTROL. Scientists are not sure where this "control gene" lives or even where it starts. Some theories state that the craving to have complete control over the other person comes from a time in their earlier relationship where something in the relationship or something in that person's life was utterly OUT of control and they felt totally helpless. It may have been something they brought on themselves as as result of poor decisions or it may have been something they had no inputs into, but the bottom line is that they had NO control over. So today, when they are in a position to have control of something, like their spouse, they over-emphasize that control and need to pacify themselves with the reassurance that if nothing else, they have CONTROL over their spouse. The huge problem this creates is that they do NOT have the control they desire. This kind of control of the relationship for no valid or logical reason causes feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness in the spouse, and those feeling will come out whether or not the partner actually ends up going out or relents and stays home. The fact that the partner was BEING controlled creates the negative feelings, and will start to fray the edges of what may otherwise be a solid relationship. One of the worst characteristics of this is that studies have shown that those negative feelings start to compound with each successive "control issue scenario". Yes, a couple is a couple, but they cannot be real people unless they are allowed to retain the characteristics that make them unique, make them who they are. One spouse cannot put the other in a virtual cage, only to open the doors when it is convenient. In a relationship where one spouse is giving in to the unreasonable control issues of the other, that is a relationship that needs to seek counseling before the situation gets too far out of hand. It can be resolved, but both parties need to understand there is a problem and both need the counseling. Relationship Myths Humanity Love Relationships Relationship Breakdowns Relationships Men Vs Women Resources Teen Relationships Abusive Relationships Key To Building Customer Relationships
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